Entertainment

Will Smith didn’t simply slap Chris Rock — he slapped everybody named Will Smith


Will Smith was booed on Thursday.

Before you cheer, this was not the Will Smith who disgusted the world on the Oscars after slapping Chris Rock. That Will Smith deserves to be crapped upon by boo-birds for the remainder of his years. That Will Smith is a lunatic. That Will Smith is a violent narcissist vulnerable to solipsistic hero fantasy. That Will Smith’s apology this week was disingenuously performative. That Will Smith has the impulse management of a rabid pit bull. That Will Smith would chortle after you confided a most cancers analysis after which bawl inconsolably after a knock-knock joke.

That Will Smith is dangerously unbalanced. That Will Smith is useless to me.

But my coronary heart goes out to this different Will Smith.

This Will Smith, a catcher with the L.A. Dodgers, was booed throughout a spring coaching recreation in opposition to the Texas Rangers this week. It’s not humorous. But studying Sports Illustrated on Friday, I couldn’t cease laughing. This wasn’t a case of mistaken identification. It was extra guilt by identical title. Or as Yahoo! Sports put it: “Will Smith, the actor, isn’t the only Will Smith seeing repercussions for the slap heard ’round the world.”

Obviously, that is fallacious on each stage. This poor Dodger didn’t sucker punch Charlie Montoyo. But as a result of his title is “Will Smith,” he should now take care of public humiliation due to that different Will Smith. It’s like being a Charles Manson within the ’70s.

It additionally makes me rethink my ridicule for celebrities who give their children loopy names.

Elon Musk’s son can safely develop previous realizing he won’t ever be confused for a serial killer or human trafficker as a result of no different human is known as X Æ A-Xii. Pilot Inspektor is in no hazard of identification theft. A random Blue Ivy won’t ever get catcalls after drop-kicking a random Kulture Kiari as a result of there are not any different Blue Ivys and Kulture Kiaris. These are unicorns.

But Will Smith is a standard title. Statistically talking, there’s in all probability a Will Smith dwelling in your road. Even in baseball, the Dodgers aren’t the one workforce with a Will Smith. There is a Will Smith who pitches for the Atlanta Braves, who’s little question gobbling Prozac whereas glancing at subsequent week’s opening day schedule.

You know what? Your fishmonger might be a Will Smith. As is your tailor and monetary adviser. Will Smiths are in every single place. I’m fairly certain the child in Grade 3 who ate paper airplanes and beat his chest like Tarzan was a Will Smith. He frightened me.

But he by no means beat us. He was solely a hazard to his personal digestive tract.

By distinction, this actor Will Smith, this shame to our species, has inflicted moniker disgrace on each Will Smith. Time as soon as printed a function about what it was wish to share a star title. The interviews included Donald Trump, an oncologist in Virginia. And Taylor Swift, a male photographer in Seattle with ties to the fishing trade who has spent the previous few years dealing with the truth that an incredible many individuals imagine he’s the she famous person: “There are times when it is very stalkerish. There are people who email me over and over and over again and even send me nude photos. I don’t want this, and I’m sure she doesn’t want this.”

No. And it makes you suppose. It’s exhausting to not really feel sorry for any lady named Karen. That was as soon as a ravishing title. Now it’s racially charged, related to white women who ask to talk to managers and trigger social bedlam by way of haughty privilege. It’s nuts. Any lady who has a public meltdown caught on digicam is now a Karen. I’ve recognized many Karens in my time. They are all, with out exception, beautiful. But now their title is radioactive.

They’d be higher off being named Pol Pot.

I believe society must erect safeguards and escape valves for identical title victims.

It’s not honest. I’d not need to make restaurant reservations if my surname was Putin. But there’s loads of crimson tape in making a authorized title change. All of that must be immediately vapourized if a reputation turns into scandalous. An upstanding fellow making an attempt to assist others as a sexual assault counsellor can’t be anticipated to keep up a sustainable apply if his beginning certificates says “Harvey Weinstein.” Not occurring. That title is now poisonous.

And he mustn’t need to spend a dime or minute switching to a Harry Wigglesworth.

This must be a brand new rule. If you share a reputation with an unhinged troublemaker who assaulted somebody on the Academy Awards in entrance of 1 billion viewers, you’ll be able to have a brand new title, immediately and freed from cost. Do you know the way agonizing it should be to be a pharmacist named Bill Cosby?

At the Oscars, Will Smith didn’t simply destroy his personal popularity and legacy. Based on the baseball booing on Thursday, he additionally made it exhausting to be any Will Smith for the foreseeable future. That’s loads of Will Smiths. We have to rally round these harmless Will Smiths. These Will Smiths are large. They will not be smacking the daylights out of others. Most Will Smiths on this planet would gladly lend you a cup of sugar or assist change a tire.

Every Will Smith ought to sue that Will Smith for defamation.

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