Something for the Weekend We’re standing nonetheless. The suspense is insufferable. One of us goes to crack.
On the massive projector display screen is a message: “The application is not responding.” Facing the massive projector display screen is a roomful of startup dudes. Staring again at them, and located simply beneath the projector display screen, is the flailing, forlorn presenter himself: me.
“It’s never done that before,” I lie as I finally hand over frantically tapping the keyboard and jabbing the trackpad as if I used to be enjoying whack-a-mole.
As properly as informing me that the applying shouldn’t be responding, the on-screen message is asking me what I wish to do about it. Interesting query. What I wish to do is kick the shit out of the laptop computer whereas yelling, “I’m paying $55 a month for this pisspoor software!” however neither choice is amongst these provided to me.
Instead, I’m requested if I wish to shut this system (and danger dropping data) or anticipate this system to reply (and danger dropping the need to dwell). Normally this might be answered by the situations of my reserving. If I used to be on a day charge, I’d select the previous; if on an hourly charge, I’d select the latter.
Two years of internet hosting on-line conferences have not gone to waste, nonetheless, and I do know precisely what to do. Let me share the wealth of my expertise with you now. Consider it a high-end life-hack present from me to you, within the assured expectation that it’ll speed up your skilled improvement. Here goes:
Whenever issues go incorrect, launch a ballot.
I flip to the group and ask them which choice I ought to select.
It does not matter what they vote for. It takes half a minute for them to make up their minds and lift their fingers, and one other minute to be informed to please elevate their fingers larger and preserve them there; and by the point I’ve counted the votes every approach, the choice has already been made for us. Either the software program has stopped sulking concerning the paucity of system assets, during which case I stick with it with the software program demo, or it hasn’t, during which case I’d announce it’s hopeless and press CTRL+SHIFT+ESC.
While I relaunch the applying, I regale the group with a protracted, drawn-up joke I stole and tailored off somebody a lot funnier than me*, whereas mentally including the title of the applying to my fantasy hit record.
Two of the packages that I’m licensed to show cease responding briefly as quickly as you launch them; on any laptop, on any configuration, on any platform. Deviously, they offer the impression of getting launched utterly, every little thing wanting right on display screen inside a mere couple of seconds… whereupon the “not responding” message routinely seems within the title bar and stays there for one more minute or so.
In my coaching programs, I all the time get my trainees to launch these packages instantly earlier than saying a tea break. This offers the software program 5 minutes to lark about with its “not responding” nonsense so that it will have gotten itself collectively by the point we’ve began dunking our biscuits.
Well, I’ve had sufficient. After but once more having dodged a possible public embarrassment (with a ballot, bear in mind; you may thank me for that later) brought on by non-responding software program, I’m decided to get to the foundation of it as soon as and for all.
Back house, I’m going to the software program firm’s web site and run a seek for “The application is not responding” fixes. I start working by the ideas one after the other.
1. End Task / Force Quit this system and relaunch it
OK, that is a given. I’ve been doing that for the final 30 years or so. One of the primary issues I do when sitting down at any new Windows laptop is to set Task Manager to be “Always on top.” I’ve a sense this can be useful later and I’m all the time proved right. Anyway, let’s strive one thing else.
2. Restart the pc
Obviously this suggestion has not been up to date for the reason that pandemic and the appearance of the New Normal and distant working. No matter than I’m the assembly host, I’ll simply restart my laptop, shall I? The first time I did this, everybody I had invited to the assembly received turfed out immediately and it took half an hour to collect them again in.
To cease this occurring once more, I modified my assembly settings in order that if I go away an occasion unexpectedly, presenter privileges are handed briefly at random to a different attendee. But once I tried this for actual, by the point I had rejoined the assembly, the random attendee had found he had acquired full annotation instruments and was drawing impolite scribbles over my still-frozen display screen.
Besides, restarting the pc doesn’t work. That darn software continues to generally tend to not reply on occasion.
3. Check for software program updates
Great. Half the nerds within the trade inform me by no means to put in the most recent replace; the opposite half tells me to do precisely that. I flip a coin: “update everything” it’s. It does not assist, although.
4. Uninstall and reinstall this system
But I’ve simply up to date it! Oh properly, I’ve nothing else to do. Apart from getting on with some work, that’s. For good measure, I uninstall, restart the pc, and then reinstall. It works! Hurrah! I get caught into some work. Half an hour later, this system produces one other “not responding” message.
5. Scan for viruses and malware
For what it is price, I are likely to suppose antivirus and anti-malware packages are malware by definition. But it is a Windows PC so I’ve one put in already; it makes no distinction.
6. Restore Windows to an earlier date
What? First you inform me to replace and now you inform me to downdate. Are you simply making this as much as preserve me occupied and cease me elevating flags and forming barricades? Fair sufficient, it is price a strive…
Brilliant, now nothing works correctly any extra.
7. Uninstall and reinstall Windows
Ha, by odd coincidence, I discovered I had to try this anyway after step 6 cocked up my laptop totally.
8. Install this system on a more recent laptop
Luckily I preserve a number of model new computer systems sitting round at house only for this eventuality. Oh, truly… cling on, no I do not.
9. Move your laptop to a location the place the Wi-Fi sign is stronger
Where precisely would that be? I hear the Wi-Fi’s fairly good in Basingstoke. I give my native property agent a hoop and request a callback.
10. Sell all of your belongings, burn down your own home, and be a part of a clifftop monastic order within the Himalayas.
Tempting although that’s at this very second, I’ve a greater thought. Why not bugfix your sodding software program in order that it really works correctly?
Alistair Dabbs is a contract know-how tart, juggling tech journalism, coaching and digital publishing. He has taken pains to not incite violence in direction of software program builders on this week’s column because it performs merry heck with search engine marketing. Besides, he doesn’t want to see any extra unsolicited advertisements for “replica” weapons and polemicist guff in his social media feeds. By the way in which, the stolen joke* talked about within the column is beneath. More at Autosave is for Wimps and @alidabbs.
A shepherd is minding her sheep on a hill someday when a swanky govt automotive makes its approach gingerly down the lane close by. It involves a halt and the mirrored electrical window rolls down, by which may be seen a posh dashboard of flashing lights and controls. A person sticks his head out and calls to the shepherd, complaining concerning the silly sat-nav and lack of street indicators, and asking for instructions.
The shepherd tells the person easy methods to get again onto the proper route, and makes a joke about relying an excessive amount of on know-how to observe what ought to have been a straight street.
Not wanting to go away along with his tail between his legs, the person within the automotive proposes a wager: if he can use the tech in his automotive to calculate the exact variety of sheep in her complete flock unfold throughout the hill, would she let him take away one of many sheep as a prize?
Of course, she says.
The driver then pulls out a laptop computer and erects a mini satellite tv for pc dish, and calls upon all method of satellite tv for pc images and fractal chaos calculation apps to find out the scale of the flock. Five minutes later, he has the reply. And the shepherd confirms he’s right!
She lets him choose a sheep to take, which he duly hauls into the large boot of the automotive. As he does this, the shepherd proposes a counter-bet: if she will be able to guess what he does for a dwelling, she wins her sheep again once more. He agrees. Why not?
She tells him he’s a administration guide. Fair sufficient, he replies, proper first time. But how did she guess?
“You’ve over-specified the automobile you want on your journey however thought it seemed good. You do not know the place you’re going or the place you have got come from, however you blame different folks for this. You selected to waste costly know-how to inform me what number of sheep I’ve – one thing that I already know and would have been glad to inform you too without spending a dime when you’d requested. But most of all, you blindly accepted a problem about which completely nothing.
“Now, can I have my dog back?”