Mom wonders the right way to reveal fact about son’s father

Dear Abby: I’ve an exquisite 12-year-old son, “Oliver,” who was conceived throughout a date rape at a piece celebration. I don’t bear in mind a lot about that evening. When I discovered I used to be pregnant, I hoped my husband on the time was the daddy. When the child got here, it was apparent he wasn’t, as a result of Oliver is a unique race. (I’m Caucasian, and I’m considering Oliver could also be Pacific Islander.)

We divorced when Oliver was 2, and my ex had a DNA take a look at, which, in fact, proved he was not the daddy. Despite the findings, after I defined what occurred, he provided to be Oliver’s “dad” as a result of he had bonded with him — offered he wouldn’t should pay youngster assist. I agreed. I’ve two different older sons whom he fathered.
There have been instances when Oliver and his brothers have requested about his brown pores and skin, and I’ve been in a position to dodge the query. He’s attending to an age the place I don’t assume I can maintain off for much longer.

I all the time knew the time would come when he must know his dad isn’t his organic father, however I’m undecided what to inform him. I don’t assume I would like him to know he’s a product of rape, nor do I need to throw myself underneath the bus and say I cheated on his dad. That would open up questions on who his bio dad is. Please assist.

— Looking for Best Way in Washington

Dear Looking: I fail to know why you’d equate “rape” with “cheating.” What occurred wasn’t your fault, and you need to really feel neither guilt nor disgrace that it occurred. While I perceive your want to guard Oliver, you need to inform him the reality. When you do, make sure to emphasize how a lot you and your ex love him and the way proud you’re that he’s your son.

Dear Abby: I’m within the means of constructing my first home down the road from my mother and father. (The lot was a very good deal.) Recently, my mother informed me she desires a key so she and Dad can have entry to my home in case of extreme climate (we reside in twister nation). The format and basis of my home are sturdier than theirs. When I informed her I didn’t need anybody to have a key, she bought actually offended. It made me really feel terrible, however Abby, that is my first home, and if I’ve to present a key to somebody after I don’t need to, it defeats the aim of getting my very own place.

I’ve been residing with my mother and father to avoid wasting up, and Mom has used guilt journeys towards me earlier than. My sister and brother-in-law agree I shouldn’t give in to her. I really feel like a horrible daughter for refusing as a result of she’s not the sort to snoop, however there have been cases after I’ve been in my room and he or she has entered with out knocking. Should I stick with my weapons or am I mistaken?

— Daughter in Dilemma

Dear Daughter: It strikes me as considerably pushy that your mom would ask for a key to your private home earlier than it’s even accomplished. What have your mother and father achieved throughout earlier tornadoes? Because the home symbolizes your independence, I don’t assume you need to hand the important thing over. It could make sense to have somebody you belief have the ability to enter if you’re touring or have a pet that must be walked if you are working. In that occasion, it’s possible you’ll change your thoughts and see the knowledge in providing her one.

P.S. If she abuses your belief, you’ll be able to all the time have your locks modified.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, often known as Jeanne Phillips, and was based by her mom, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at

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