Tucker Carlson has new medical recommendation for his male viewers.
It’s time to embrace “testicle tanning.” I’ll say this concerning the well-liked Fox News host: it takes plenty of balls to talk out of your ass each evening. But Carlson just isn’t a thinker king a lot as a gifted illusionist. His shtick is to feign outrage behind a constipated resting face whereas railing in opposition to liberal bromides and poisons. To his followers, he’s an antidote to the MSM and despised “elites,” a sociological assemble that apparently doesn’t embody heirs to frozen meals empires who pad round nation golf equipment in silk cravats and deck sneakers.
Carlson was born to more cash than his followers will earn of their lifetimes.
That they see him as a working-class hero is a magic trick that rivals Houdini.
But let’s get again to the testicle tanning.
Dr. Carlson, who just lately bragged about not being vaccinated in opposition to COVID-19 and who routinely frames public well being as partisan theatre, has returned to one among his previous bugaboos: Men are doomed. Men are an endangered species robbed of XY company. How dare these radical feminists refuse to make us pastrami sandwiches throughout soccer?
In his newest documentary — I’m utilizing “documentary” in the identical approach Khloé Kardashian is perhaps described as a “botanist” — Dr. Carlson bemoans the demise of rugged masculinity, unaware he’s to manly males as SpongeBob SquarePants is to spheres.
If I discovered myself in a bar brawl, the final particular person I might need on my aspect is Tucker Carlson.
Give me Honey Boo Boo. I don’t wish to be keeping off damaged beer bottles and flying stools as my wingman turtles below a desk within the fetal place whereas sobbing at a frequency that replicates a balled-up sock caught in a Dyson vacuum hose.
Carlson, who has a make-up artist, is frightened fashionable males will not be powerful guys?
In the trailer for “The End of Men,” we start with archival footage of JFK extolling the virtues of bodily health, whereas additionally decrying “soft, chubby, fat-looking children.” The theme is obvious. Hard instances create sturdy males. And weak males — insert the requisite footage of Joe Biden stumbling on the steps of Air Force One — are a shame. So it’s time for sturdy males to “re-establish order” and save us from squishy cultural demise.
We transfer to a montage of muscled, half-dressed blokes that’s so homoerotic, I’m now questioning if Mr. Carlson may no less than be bi-curious. These lads are engaged in manly man pursuits: chopping bushes, throwing truck tires, grilling meat, milking cows, swallowing uncooked eggs and firing at bottles of cooking oil at a taking pictures vary for no obvious purpose.
Dude, did you see how I tousled that Canola? High-five!
But the cash shot, if you’ll, comes from one bare fellow who’s standing on a rock formation, arms outstretched within the altocumulus clouds, as a silver machine blasts crimson gentle the place the solar just isn’t imagined to shine. Dr. Carlson later advised his male viewers they may enhance testosterone ranges by “testicle tanning.” Right. And be happy to forestall colon most cancers by bleaching your anus. Worried about coronary heart illness? Just dye your chest hair!
To be honest, testosterone and sperm counts and anabolic steroids in males are all in decline. They have been for years. It is regarding. Dr. Carlson is true about that. But pushing medical quackery is rarely the answer. I assure you, hundreds of Tucker followers this week have eliminated their underpants, shouted “Let’s Go Brandon!” after which squatted over their George Foreman Grills till they needed to apply eucalyptus to scorched nutsacks.
It’s insane. Tucker followers are actually in search of a urologist who may write them a prescription for genital laser tag at Dave & Buster’s. I’m beginning to imagine he’s attempting to kill his viewers. Tucker was an anti-vaxxer throughout a worldwide pandemic, which is like being anti-umbrella throughout a monsoon. He retains telling his groupies conventional medication is the illness. It’s solely a matter of time till he declares most cancers a radical left fable that may be cured by headstands in a pit of vipers. Don’t be stunned if his subsequent sizzling take is on how seatbelts are a liberal plot to restrain your rights. Why should we buckle up? Why can’t we hurtle by means of the windshield after hitting a tree as a result of we have been distracted whereas screaming at discuss radio?
Testicle tanning? People, testicles should be comparatively cooler, which is why they cling exterior the physique. Lifestyle and environmental elements are wreaking havoc on testosterone. Change your eating regimen and go for a run. Don’t ask a bro to Tase your gonads so that you may lastly reproduce or open a jar of pickles. It is unnecessary.
There is a purpose Carlson is now a darling on Russian state TV. The Kremlin acknowledges him as a helpful fool who’s completely happy to tear Western society asunder for scores and rubles. I might not be stunned if Vladimir Putin texts him daily: “Please condemn Ukraine.”
By his personal admission, Tucker lies when wanted. There can be a purpose he has been fired greater than as soon as: he overvalues cultural response whereas shirking accountable motion. He retains pondering his followers are dumb sufficient to be duped by a cynical embrace of darkish fantasy.
In this fashion, Tucker Carlson and Vladimir Putin are precisely the identical.
And when you perceive this, you’ll by no means, ever tan your testicles.
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